Confessions of a Former Doormat

How I Learned to Truly Submit
Written by Jennifer TeGrotenhuis

I used to think submission was a spiritual problem for other ladies--women with head-strong opinions and untamed wills and tongues. I thought that the last thing I needed was to learn submission. Years ago, I was very focused on deferring every decision to my husband. Out of my lips, my children frequently heard, "we'll wait to ask Daddy; we'll do what Daddy says; Daddy may want this or that...."

Daddy was king, but the power that put him on the throne was from my own neediness and fear. I had set him up as an idol in the place where Jesus belonged. You see, the motives of my heart behind the submissive behavior were not pure, although I did not know that. No matter how submissive I appeared on the outside, and even to myself, in my deepest heart, I was a white-washed tomb; a Pharisee. I was trying to meet my needs for love and approval in my own power.

In contrast to the godly submissiveness the Lord requires, I was a "people-pleaser"--a "yes-person." A people-pleaser craves the approval of man for herself. She says "yes," hoping to earn praise, love and appreciation. She believes that if she is "a good girl" she will earn a reward. The fuel that feeds her heart is not love of God, but love of self and fear of man. It sounds so ugly, but it is true.

I longed to hear words of approval from my husband, and likewise, I had a great fear of his disapproval. Now truly, it is a God-given need for a wife to feel cherished by her husband, and it is God's mandate to husbands to love and nurture their wives, so it was not wrong of me to seek to please my husband, in this sense.

But God saw my heart. He saw the fear that wouldn't make room for His love. He saw that my submissive behavior was a form of manipulation. I believed that if I played by God's rules, God would move my husband to deal me the hand that I desired. Through my own "goodness," I would earn the love and approval I sought. I was believing a subtle, yet powerfully deceptive lie. I had become wise in my own eyes; sure that I was entitled to love, nurture, and honor from my husband because of my submissive ways.

I learned in time, that God does not make deals. His principles are just and right, for He is good, but His precepts are not set down for us to manipulate for our own gain, however godly we believe our aim to be.

From my husband's perspective, my "people-pleasing" made me invisible--a doormat. My character and personality were weak--of little substance that he could grasp, value or embrace. When he asked for my opinion, I had none--"just whatever you want, Hon." When he wanted to sharpen an idea together, I was a blunt tool! He felt alone, without a strong partner by his side to help him lead our family. I acted more like a helpless child, and he began to treat me as such. I was just a passenger along for the ride.

He had total control, but it was a burden he resented. My resentment of him grew also. Instead of the "pay-back" in love and appreciation that I thought I deserved for my "submissiveness," I received cold indifference. He didn't seem to see or value all that I did in home schooling our children and keeping our home. I worked harder, trying to perform more perfectly to please him, but he just felt lonelier and less connected to me. My passiveness and neediness had driven him away, rather than drawing him to me.

Because my hubby's job requires him to travel frequently and to attend many conferences, he once mentioned that he'd rather not attend WATCH conferences. For him, another conference would be draining. I believed that the right and submissive position I needed to take was to say, "yes, Dear," and stuff away my desires to attend a conference. I believed that God would bless me and see to all of my needs anyway, if only I kept my mouth humbly shut. The years of home schooling without much support were taking a toll on me, though, and I was burning out badly.

Under this building pressure, my true heart became exposed. I was angry. My submissiveness had not "worked." At this point, we learned that we needed to seek God to rebuild our relationship. We needed God to teach us His truth. What is it that He is really desiring for us when he commands wives to submit to their husbands? What does this heart of true submission look like, and how does it draw a husband and wife together as a team?

What I learned is that laying down (or stuffing away) all of my thoughts and opinions is not true submission. As a child of God; as a soul that Jesus died for, my ideas and my personality are of great worth to God, and He wants to use them to bless my husband. I had been withholding this blessing from him, thinking he would be pleased if he always got his way. Instead, I was denying him the opportunity to serve God as my protector, advisor and servant leader. My people-pleasing was keeping us both from really growing up in the Lord!

I had to go through a season of time when God worked with me to clean out the bitter roots and fears that the Holy Spirit exposed in my heart. All of my false expectations and resentment had to go. I had to replace the lies I had believed with the truth--that God's love and grace were sufficient for me - that my great needs for approval could be completely cast upon Him, and that Jesus' love could flow through me to respect and honor my husband with a pure heart. I learned that a huge part of honoring my husband is to always tell him the truth in love. Frequently, "yes, Dear," and "whatever you want, Hon," are not the truth. I learned that the values, opinions and discernments I have can be gifts to my husband, and I learned to use the voice God gave me to speak to him, humbly submitting my thoughts for his consideration as we make decisions together.

Previously, when I had said, "yes" without really considering a matter, I was in sin. James 5:12 says "let your "yes" be "yes," and your "no" be "no," lest you fall into judgment." I also needed to heed the words of James 4:7-8, and submit to God, resisting the temptation to lie and say "yes," when I might have meant "no." As I drew near to God, He drew near to me. He did purify my heart, and made me single-minded, instead of "double-minded."

As I got off the floor from the false humility of my doormat posture and became the woman God intended, confident in His love, the new substance of my character and genuine love for my husband caused his respect for me to grow. Now, we really enjoy the freedom and blessing of knowing we are "joint heirs with Christ" (Romans 8:17).

Now, when I say to the children, "Let's wait to see what Daddy thinks," they no longer see a woman who can't make a decision, instead they see a wife with values and ideas who can confidently communicate with the head of her household. And as my husband and I pray for God's guidance, we can come to decisions together. We've learned that matters do not consist of "his way," and "her way," but God provides our minds with other options that satisfy us both. Though I may not get my first choice, he frequently doesn't either. We submit mutually, one to another, and ultimately both of us are submitting to God.

I've learned that fervent prayer for my husband to know and do God's will unites our hearts over issues on a daily basis. The peace that I once tried to pay for with my passive behavior had already been won for us by the Lord, our Prince of Peace! It is His authority that now rules from the throne in our home, and when I submit to my husband, it is as unto the Lord. Now I see God's answers to my prayers through the wisdom and tenderness He gives my husband to lead our family. (By the way, we've now attended three WATCH conferences together, and are reaping the blessings of unity, grace, and practical focus which fortify us both in our home schooling journey!)

In conclusion, no matter where you are on the submission spectrum, I want to encourage you. The word of God promises crowns to those who race for the prize. Live in such a way as to receive every crown Jesus has for you, and pray for your husband that he may be crowned "as a shepherd of God's flock under (his) care; eager to serve, not lording it over those entrusted to (him), but being an example to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, (he) will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away" (1 Peter 5:2-4).

One day in Heaven, we may see our husbands lay their shepherd's crowns at Jesus' feet. Consider Jesus, who submitted his will perfectly to do His Father's will, enduring the cross for us! It is through Him alone that we have the wisdom and the power to truly submit. To Him be the glory!

This article has been reprinted with permission. Copyright 2004 TEACH Magazine. If you want to be the best mommy, wife, homemaker and homeschooler you can possibly be, you will love TEACH Magazine! Would you like to feel renewed, refreshed, energized, and ready to start each day with a spring in your step, a smile on your face, and joy in your heart? Check out our magazine at www.TEACHmagazine.com and sign up for our free e-zine too.

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